ASTOLOGY SIGNS by Barbara Roberts (This is so sick!!)
Aries (Fire sign) The first sign in the Zodiac, you are dynamic and fearless. Other than that you are aggressive with small animals and fussy about the knives in your kitchen. Your life goal is to be an arsonist.
Taurus You love food and are basically fat. Though you are always talking about art and music, your home is a pig pen of Chinese food cartons and old Beatles’ posters. An iron rod is more flexible than you. Most people think you are a stogy and old fashioned.
Gemini (The Twins). Flirty and light hearted, you will never be faithful longer than a month in marriage. Others see you as quick and witty with words, but you can’t remember your mother’s name and are obsessed with your eighth grade speller. You are so scattered, your doctor’s goal for you is to be schizophrenic.
Cancer (The Crab) water sign You cry at sad movies, and people see you as caring, but really you are manipulative and secretive. Though you are heart centered, you can lie easily at a drop of a hat. Your love of sea food causes you to overeat.
Virgo (the virgin) You are a perfectionist who loves rearranging your pots and pans in the kitchen. You remain a virgin because you are so critical of others, no one can stand to be around you. In grade school you could recite the Dewy Decimal system backwards.
Leo (leader) You are a natural leader and guide others so you can take their money. Showy and the ‘emperor with no clothes’ in front of any mirror, you are also an entrepreneur. You are at the same time arrogant and domineering. That’s why you must be self-employed. Otherwise you’d be on welfare.
Libra (the scales) You love balance and harmony, but spend 8 hours at Vons deciding what kind of green tea to buy. You work hard at intimate relationships more than any sign in the Zodiac, because you are basically afraid of the dark and the monster under your bed.
Sagittarius (the archer) You love being independent and alone in nature. Travel excites you because you are having love affairs on your wife. Athletic and sporty, you have a shoe fetish for Reboks.
Capricorn (earthy) You are good with money, and tax collecting becomes you. Though a gourmet cook, you tend to be an alcoholic. You have hidden wealth – others suspect because you never spend any money on their birthday gifts.
Pisces You can inspire deep feelings, emotions and usually guilt in those closest to you. A family person interested in the broader humanity, you gamble at the Indian reservations on a nightly basis to help the Native American “cultural revival.” Scorpio Known for your deep understanding of the Inner world, you know more about drugs than the vice squad. Sexual and commanding, you can either mesmerize the opposite sex or scare the hebegebies out of them. You have the ability to make love to anything that moves.
Aquaries You love the concepts and philosophy of the universal structure, but your friends think you are stupid. Libraries intoxicate you because you enjoy the smell of mold. A natural historian, you dress in Civil War period costumes for dinner. You put books in the freezer instead of vegetables, and your family is starving.
(c) Copyright, Barbara Roberts, Sept. 18, 2008. All rights reserved.