Sunday, October 9, 2011
Short Story: MatchU4Love Dating Service
Jason sighed. If this date was any more of a gold digger, she’d be sitting on his lap taking out his dental fillings. He really needed to change his “MatchU4Love” Profile on the “Income” line. Take off the “millionaire” entry. Yes, he owned his own company and was darn proud of it, but perhaps he shouldn’t advertise it on first dates.
Back at his desk he told Keri, his budget manager, that he’d be in “conference” and went in to reread his “Man on the Go Looking for Independent Woman” Profile title bar. “OK. Got to rework this one,” he mumbled. “I’ll leave the photo - after all, I’m tall, dark, and handsome – and humble.”
After fifty eight dates – women who were tall, short, blonde, brunette, red head, corporate investors, homemakers, childless, with children, rich, poor, he’d reached his limit for even a “man on the go.” Perhaps an image change? Perhaps a lobotomy.
He barely cleared Keri’s desk as he walked out of the office on his way to lunch. She looked up. Sensitive to every nuance of his walk, she inquired, “Bad day, eh, Jason?” They were attuned to each other not because they were steamy closet lovers at work, but because she was his sister. They’d been competing siblings over cookies and Mom, but now they had settled into harmonious bantering.
“Keri, I’m lost in this dating world. Help me! Help me! You are my only hope,” he did his best impersonation of Princess Leah talking to Obi-Wan. His sister put down her Excel printout and looked into his very blue but sad eyes. “You know I read all the current women’s self-help books,” Keri began in the way only an older sister can totally bore a brother to tears.
He controlled his gag reflex. “SO?” He rolled his eyes indicating if he heard any more feminine psychobabble, he would ask God to reincarnate him as a turtle.
“Well, there’s this woman who went on Tyra Banks last month. Her name is Barbara Roberts, and she wrote a book called FACE READING – How to Know Anyone at a Glance. It’s the new way to find romance. Tyra really liked her. Look here,” she motioned to an open page from the book. “See, you have these facial features:
Square forehead line
Vertical line above your nose
Good naso-labial lines
“You’ve been ‘looking for love in all the wrong places,’ my little brother. Get off “MatchU4Love,” and stop paying that gypsy at “Cupid will Deliver.” Jason immediately confiscated the FACE READING book from her desk, tucked it under his arm and left the office in a far better mood that he’d been in in a long time.
Patterns. Facial Patterns.
It was midnight. He had read the whole book. My face has Patterns. All I need to do is just match the Patterns in my face to the Patterns in her face!
“There might be hope,” and he turned over to his Massie, his German Shepard, who as currently take up half of his bed. “They’ll soon be someone to replace you, my girl.” And he gave her an affectionate ear scratching.
Not long after, he was at the airport meeting his client Phil. The plane was delayed, so he got his Starbuck’s caramel latte and blueberry scone and popped open his paper to wait. A woman carrying a laptop approached the seat next to him. Blue silk suit holding a cell phone. He looked over just in time to catch a “HI”-nod and went on reading the local news.
When she finished talking and started adjusting her cup’s tea bag, she turned to ask, “Waiting for the Phoenix incoming flight?”
“Yep. My client Phil is on it. How abut you?” As they spoke he regarded her closely. She seemed amazingly familiar for someone he had never met. Then his mind clicked into the facial feature composite of his “ideal” woman. Cassie. One after one, he counted off their compatible facial features. He became so excited, he mentally he was begging God to be close to this woman, but he was trying not to grovel. He was chaffing at the bit to ask if she was single and was practically salivating as he listened to her describe her normal life. When she wanted to know about his life and interests, he was incredulous that a woman would ask about him. By the time Phil walked out of Gate 24, Jason had already planned the wedding and bought his tuxedo.
After he introduced Phil to Cassie, he turned to her. “Here, let me give you my card.” They both said that at the same time. Cassie blushed. He smiled.
As he guided Phil into his office and passed Keri’s desk, Jason gave her the thumbs up-signal and mouthed, “I’ll tell you later.”
Well, Massie and Arnold, Cassie’s German Shepard, became a regular on walks in the park, Friday night movies at home, Saturday picnics and morning coffees. Together they watched the seasons change and laughed and talked through Christmas, Easter and July 4th.
In the Fall Jason turned to Massie before he set his alarm for work, “Massie, it’s time for you to start sleeping on the floor. Cassie and Arnold are coming to live here.” He thought he saw Massie smile before she rolled over and started snoring.
(c) Copyright, Barbara Roberts, 2011. All rights reserved.