Sunday, September 30, 2012

What the ZODIAC Signs Mean (rather sick interpretation)


Aries (Fire sign) The first sign in the Zodiac, you are dynamic and fearless. Other than that you are aggressive with small animals and fussy about the knives in your kitchen. Your life goal is to be an arsonist.

Taurus (Earth sign) You love food and are basically fat. Though you are always talking about art and music, your home is a pig pen of Chinese food cartons and old Beatles’ posters. An iron rod is more flexible than you. Most people think you are a stogy and old fashioned.

Gemini (The Twins). Flirty and light hearted, you will never be faithful longer than a month in marriage. Others see you as quick and witty with words, but you can’t remember your mother’s name and are obsessed with your eighth grade speller.

Cancer (The Crab) water sign You cry at sad movies, and people see you as caring, but really you are manipulative and secretive. Though you are heart centered, you can lie easily at a drop of a hat. Your love of sea food causes you to overeat.

Virgo (the virgin) You are a perfectionist who loves rearranging your pots and pans in the kitchen. You remain a virgin because you are so critical of others, no one can stand to be around you. In grade school you could recite the Dewy Decimal system backwards.

Leo (leader) You are a natural leader and guide others so you can take their money. Showy and the ‘emperor with no clothes’ in front of any mirror, you are also an entrepreneur. You are at the same time arrogant and domineering. That’s why you must be self-employed. Otherwise you’d be on welfare.

Libra (the scales) You love balance and harmony, but spend 8 hours at Vons deciding what kind of green tea to buy. You work hard at intimate relationships more than any sign in the Zodiac, because you are basically afraid of the dark and the monster under your bed.

Sagittarius (the archer) You love being independent and alone in nature. Travel excites you because you are having love affairs on your wife. Athletic and sporty, you have a shoe fetish for Rebooks.

Capricorn (earthy) You are good with money, and tax collecting becomes you. Though a gourmet cook, you tend to be an alcoholic. You have hidden wealth – others suspect because you never spend any money on their birthday gifts.

Pisces You can inspire deep feelings, emotions and usually guilt in those closest to you. A family person interested in the broader humanity, you gamble at the Indian reservations on a nightly basis to help the Native American “cultural revival.”

Scorpio Known for your deep understanding of the Inner world, you know more about drugs than the vice squad. Sexual and commanding, you can either mesmerize the opposite sex or scare the hebegebies out of them. You have the ability to make love to anything that moves.

Aquarius You love the concepts and philosophy of the universal structure, but your friends think you are stupid. Libraries intoxicate you because you enjoy the smell of mold. A natural historian, you dress in Civil War period costumes for dinner. You put books in the freezer instead of vegetables, and your family is starving.

(c)  Copyright, Barbara Roberts, Sept. 18, 2008.  All rights reserved.

Tuesday, September 25, 2012

YOUR $$$ POTENTIAL - Face Reading Thoughts

Do you have the NOSE for BIG $$$?

      The 2,000 year old system of Face Reading identifies facial features and to each, it attributes a psychological meaning. In my 25 years of teaching this and private practice, after looking at 10,000 faces in over 400 classes, I've made a close study of these features and what they mean. (Please see my book, Face Reading - How to Know Anyone at a Glance on
      The NOSE is the area of the face that tells us about WEALTH - financial, spiritual and abundance of all kinds flowing into our lives. Below are some examples of NOSE types and what they mean.
      Do you have the nose shape that shows you will be wildly $$$ wealthy?
      The larger the nose, the more abundance may come to you. Example: I had the honor of meeting Mother Theresa of Calcutta in India. She had a beautiful, large nose - for her denoting Spiritual abundance. Bill Cosby also has a huge nose - in his case reflecting financial wealth.
      A small nose may indicate someone who is good at saving $$ - especially if the nose is bowed (turns outward).
       The nostrils also show something about spending - If from a front view (at eye level) you can see open nostrils, this means $$ comes to you, and $$ goes from you, but then it comes back also! So budgeting is important. Another similar money spending trait is when you can see the gum line above the teeth when someone smiles easily - this means they 'swing' with money - budget and then spend.
      If the nose is very high on the face and small, it may mean the person is very frugal. Once a husband and wife came to see me for a private session. The man had this nose structure, and I made the 'frugal' comment to the wife. Believe it or not, she said, "Every night he takes the gas out of the car tank and measures it." ??
      A nose that has a 45 degree angle from the bottom going towards the forehead (Tanya Harding, the one who hit Nancy Kerrigan in the skating championship) may mean the person is immature emotionally.
      A nose that turns up only to a 30 degree angle (from the base of the nose going towards the head) reflects someone who loves to be of service to other people. Very nice quality.
      A 'roman nose' (90 degree angle from the base) is often a person who likes to $$ bargain and get special deals.
      Keep in mind that to read a person correctly, you must evaluate ALL his/her features and not just one.
      The key to understanding face reading as a tool for personal growth is to understand who we are at a certain time period - and then change ourselves for the POSITIVE using affirmation, meditation, 12-step work, spiritual communion, professional counseling or medication. Whatever our heart tells us will move us forward into the positve action that will attract to us Divine abundance and financial security for ourselves and our families. We can change our destiny at any time. Face Reading is just one introspective indicator.

(c) Copyright, Barbara Roberts. December 27, 2011. All rights reserved.

Sunday, September 16, 2012

Aristotle Chooses Generals (Face Reading Short Story)

How to Handle a Ruler

               Alexander the Great was pacing before his teacher, Aristotle.
               “Sit down, Alex, you’re making me nervous.” The huge elephant of a conqueror plopped down on his thrown.
 “I just don’t know what to do, Aris. It’s all making me crazy. We’re losing men in the Western province, and my feet are hurting. Just can’t find the right sandal maker.”
               “OK. OK. Well, let’s look at one problem at a time, like I taught you when you were a boy. You’ve conquered Mesopotamia by land and brought 8,000 men over the mountain ridge into Constantinople last week. How did the elephants fare? I heard there were rainstorms, and some of them lost their footing in the mud.”
               “Only lost three elephants out of 80, but, dang, those things are heavy when they go down! Have a good elephant man though, and he pulled them through. Seems like a trainer had cut back on their rations. That’s all. Just needed to feed them on the spot, and they were right as rain. Excuse the pun.” Alexander fidgeted with his crown.
               “So let’s go to our maps, and see where we need reinforcements this week.” Aristotle’s noble face turned to his friend and student. “You know. I can’t always be doing this for you. I’m needed at the Pantheon to do my gig at the Acropolis. Don’t want to spread myself too thin, if you know what I mean. But for you, Alex, anything.”
               “Thanks, my friend. I feel better knowing I can talk this over. Even conquerors need down time. Can your page here bring me some wine and bread? Haven’t eaten since breakfast, and I am used to my three squares. After all, I’m a growing boy.” Aristotle let his eyes roll, and both men laughed. Alexander’s massive body rivaled some of the elephants.
               “OK. So the provinces are done. Now, how are the captured peoples?” Aristotle went through their usual list of items conquerors need to attend to.
               “Just checking that all are being treated well. You know, it’s important for our image to be kind to the conquered people. Don’t let your men get sloppy and take food out of their homes. Doesn’t look good, and after all – your army is the highest paid in centuries.  They can certainly learn to act like gentlemen after a battle.” Aristotle reached for an herbal beverage. He wasn’t a liquor sort of guy. Tarnished his reputation as a thinker.
               “Aris,” the younger one looked up. “I need some new generals for the overland conquests. Some of our older men want to go home and be with their families. Say they’ve been gone too long and miss their kids. What should I be looking for in the incoming batch? Any new ideas for leadership?”
               Aristotle nodded. “The new scholars in Greece have been talking about something called “physiognomy” or “Face Reading.” It’s all the rave in the sun cities. And easy to understand. I’ve started incorporating it into my own work. Last week I met with Socrates who was really with it for once. He had heard of it, too. Sometimes he’s a bit too cerebral, but no one is perfect.
               “So how does it work, Aris? I want to choose the top of the crop of the men coming into the field, if you know what I mean.” Alexander liked to make farming references as he knew nothing about land but wanted to appear intellectually superior (as he wasn’t always the sharpest sword in the sheath.)
               Aristotle got out the writing board which he issued for visuals.  “For your uses, let’s see. You’d need a soldier that has these qualities:

               Brave and fearless in battle.
               Quick and mentally agile. Able to grasp complicated battle strategies.
Sort of rugged looking. Outdoorsy sort of guy. Able to enjoy living in
               put up tents all year round.
               Powerful looking. Looks like he would command leadership over the
               Able to inspire the men, so they follow and don’t take the camels      
                              out on picnics.
               Approachable. Can throw a mean dice and joke it up with the troops.
               “So what does a man like this look like?”
               Aristotle walked back and forth in front of the throne popping grapes in his mouth. “OK. Here’s what the Face Reading stuff says you’ll need. They are called “Facial Features.” Physical Patterns. And the best military man’s face should include these facial features.” He raised his chalk to write. Alexander sat up to pay attention. He had to memorize the information and burn it into his huge head. There won’t much papyrus to go around these days. Plus, his robe didn’t have any pockets. Direct recall was the best even if it hurt all his brain cells to think so much. Those metal helmets in battle had been too small, he told himself.
               Aristotle continued, “You’ll want a ‘big, broad wide forehead’ for the strategy part, so he will be clever and smarter than his commander.” He winked good naturedly at his friend. ‘High cheek bones’ means loves to travel. You’ll need that. A man on the go doesn’t take a lot of toiletries. ‘Full, thick beard’ shows an outdoors person. Those ‘sparse beards’ mean a man is immature. Might just stop into his middle of a battle and have an outdoor cook-out. Can’t have that. The key is the jaw structure. All great warriors and leaders, men of state who move the world have ‘huge jaws’ and ‘forward thrusting chins.’ That’s really the key, Alex. Look for the ‘huge jaw and forward chin,’ means dynamic leader with forceful presence. And I bet the other facial features will follow.”
               Alexander nodded. So much less to remember. He liked this Face Reading stuff better all the time. No need to cloud the mind with too many facts.
               “For the being a ‘guy’s guy,’ I’d go with the ‘big front teeth’ and a ‘wide mouth.’ Makes a man look strong and forceful with a tinge of rollicking laughter. Kind of adds a nice touch, don’t you think?  Also, ‘very small eyes’ and elephant ‘big ears’ help.  Creates a blend of someone who is watchful and listens well. That way you don’t have to pay the spies as much. They usually want too many coins for travel time. And they’ve been known to work on both sides if they feel they’re  not appreciated.”
               “Isn’t that the truth!” Alexander nodded.  “So we’ve got ourselves a visual picture of a great general. Thanks so much for the tips.”
               “And just remember that it doesn’t make any different what province or tribe the soldier comes from. These are universal facial features that apply to all men.” Aristotle put down his chalk and came to sit on his simple chair near the throne.
               “Righted, tighy then,” nodded Alexander. “So how are the boys at the Pantheon, Aris? What else is new?” And so they went on to talk of other topics.      

(c) Copyright, September, 2012. Barbara Roberts.  All rights reserved.

Thursday, September 6, 2012

True Story - The Future of a President

The day Bill Clinton was sworn in as president I appeared on the Morning News to
analyze his face and predict the tone of his presidency.

“So what kind of president will he be?” the News anchor inquired.

At the time America was looking for a “Kennedy” — a dynamic, charismatic leader.
Popular presidents who had huge, strong jaws (Washington, Kennedy, and FDR)
were politicians known for their far reaching accomplishments. When Greek philosopher
Aristotle hand-selected generals for Alexander the Great, he looked for this
large jaw structure. And Alexander and his generals won dominion over the whole
world. However, with Clinton I knew he was going to have a softer, democratic style
of presidency as his face had a rounded chin area.

Then I noticed the right and left sides of his face. His right side (which reflects his future
work life as a president) was completely different from his left side (which reflects
his personal and spiritual development). His right side was intelligent, articulate, and
confident — so much so that there was even a smirk in the upper lip. The left side,
however, was cold and manipulative. When I pointed this out in the studio, the whole
TV crew gasped.

I predicted, “I believe that at some point during his presidency, Clinton will try to
manipulate the American public. The whole country will turn on him. And he won’t
like it.”

Enter years later Monica Lewinsky.